“My Mom said I don’t have to…”

Shouldn’t we encourage kids to set their own boundaries?

Something I witnessed at the mall today reminded me of something that happened years ago. I want to share and am curious to hear your thoughts. I saw a mom getting on to her young child, about 4 years old, for not wanting to hug one of her friends she had just run into. He was being shy and not wanting to look at the mom’s friend and just kept hugging her leg. You know how kids sometimes do. Well, she kept trying to pull him off of her leg and started to say things like “give my friend Jason a hug, he hasn’t seen you in forever.” Her tone was sounding more and more frustrated. Like he was about to get in trouble for not wanting to! I thought, why?? Why is it so necessary that he hug him? It reminded me of something that happened years ago.

So, as you probably know I was a teacher when we lived in Texas. I taught for about 14 years, teaching grades KN, 1st and 2nd. I was super fortunate to have always taught at my kids schools. About 6 years ago, I was teaching first grade at our hometown elementary school, where Reese was in Kindergarten. I had a great relationship with all my administration and coworkers. They all knew my kids and my kids knew them. Being that it was Reese’s first year there, she was just starting to get to know everyone. One morning, we arrived at school and we were walking through the front office. We normally would arrive, go to the teacher workroom to check my box, and then proceed to my classroom where we would get my classroom prepared for the day before my students showed up. At that time, I would walk Reese to her classroom and give her a kiss and a hug and then head back to my room to welcome my students. On this particular day, we as we were walking through the front office, we ran into our principal. He was a tall, large man, super nice, but still Reese didn’t know him very well yet. He stopped and greeted us and squatted down to Reese’s level and was super excited to see her. He said “Well, good morning little Reese, are you ready for a fun day of school?!” She said yes  and he wished her a good day and asked her for a hug. She proceeded to give him a quick hug and quickly grabbed my hand was back at my side. I didn’t really think much of it at first, because I’m a greeter-hugger, you know the kind of person that hugs everyone they meet. But then I realized she may not be like that. Especially, since she didn’t really know him. Once we got back to my classroom, I sat her down and told her that she never ever has to give hugs to anyone she doesn’t want to. I told her that she gets to choose. Always. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t sit her down and act like something horrible just happened, because it didn’t. I simply sat her down and said “when adults or anyone ask for a hug, you don’t have to if you don’t want to. You can say no.” She said okay and that was that. The next day, we were heading to my classroom in the morning when Mr. Principal sees us and says hi. He and the school secretary walk right over and he crouches down to Reese’s level and says “Hi Reese, I sure love your shirt today! Can I get a hug?” Before I could say a word, Reese just shakes her head and says “my mom said I don’t have to hug you”. Yep, she did. Just like that. He looked over at me and was like “ohhh okayyy” and kind of chuckled. I just kind of smiled with a shrug and said “she’s just not comfortable and that’s ok and laughed”. We both laughed. It’s one of those ‘kids say the darnedest things’ moments. 

Once we got to my classroom, I told her that I was proud of her for saying what she felt. I truly was so proud at that moment! I loved that she used my words I gave her. I think it allowed her, as a child, to take the responsibility off of her. She was easily able to put it on me and say “my mom said…”, which I love. As parents, we always want our children to be polite and respectful towards adults. However, it is important to remember that our children’s bodies belong to them and they have the right to make their own choices about their bodies and what makes them uncomfortable.  It is completely okay for your young children to not want to hug adults they don’t know very well. In fact, it is a healthy boundary for them to set. I think we should encourage them to use verbal communication to express their greetings and goodbyes, such as a wave or a polite “hello” or “goodbye.” By setting the example that their own physical boundaries should be respected, you are also teaching them to respect the boundaries of others. In today’s world, it’s even more important to teach our little ones about what’s ok and what’s not.

Do you have any similar stories? Do you have thoughts on this? If so, I’d love to hear them! Please take a moment to share in the comments section below. Would love to hear what you think!

xoxo,

myta